Tonight I realized what I've done.

I've come to think about things, and I know Bonnie isn't the one, and I dont really miss her as a wife. I just really miss her as my best friend. What made me so devestated was I was losing my only link to another person. I relied on Bonnie so much, and I let her take care of so much like the bills. She really helped me transition from being a boy/Marine with no street smarts, into a man who had to be able to take care of everything. I could barely tie my shoes when I met Bonnie, and know I fend for myself no matter what it takes and all the rules in my life are made by me. But I miss my best friend so much because I felt so close to her, I could do whatever I wanted in front of her and it felt like it didnt matter. She really is the only person in my life where I truly felt accepted like I could be myself. She always had something witty to say, always had a great "bad" story about her day at work, she always knocked my wind out when turning in bed, always "washed her hands on the phone", always trashed the floor with dirty clothes, always made the same great meal, always lost money, showed up late, cried during a fist fight, always made me laugh, always supported my hobby, and always looked like an angel. She just captivated me with her presence, and I miss that the most. I knew deep inside it wouldn't last, and I kinda knew for sure when she left and would hardly come up to see me.
I've gained everything I had with her on my own; a support system, friends, money, and financial management. When she left I had to finally step out and find these things on my own, and I did, and I learn so much about myself and other people. When Bonnie left I traded in one great thing for another, but I learned valuable lessons from both. But I still wish my best friend was still around. I don't want a relationship with her, she isn't the one, but I'd do anything to hang out with her, share a drink with her, watch CSI all night with her, cuddle with her, go for a drive, crash a party, watch a sunset , go to a game, watch her play poker, or have fun sex with her like we use to.
She still tops my list, and I wish her the best in life. She beats herself up these days, and has such a tough exterior know, and it truly breaks my heart. I feel so responsible for how she has changed. Gone are the cute eyes and smile and the beaming personality, and in its place a shallow face and honestly sad eyes hidden behind false statements rolling off of melancholy lips.
Its like seeing a wilted dried rose after knowing how beautiful it grew under the gorgeous sun, and I blame myself as the poison. Although we all know Bonnie was a character, and she came with her own interesting rules and stories about promiscuous sex. And I guess it all started when she would describe sex in her high school days when I was making love to her. It was pretty hot, but it only snowballed from there. Deep inside I guess we both lost respect for each other and for ourselves, and that is when the love died out. I'm not saying the love is totally dead and gone forever, but its buried way too deep now for it to shine at all.
She doesn't trust herself or anybody for the matter now. She has a bitter sarcasm about sex and most things in general now, and where she use to give people the benefit of the doubt she would rather just fire them then deal with their daily bs. This Bonnie seems to have no remorse for the actions around her, or the people she may encounter and hurt in the long run. The new girl is but a shell of her former self, and that I feel the worst about. I fucked up all aspects of this relationship and this girl's life, and its way too late to fix any of it. I can do damage control to stop the damage from getting worse, but I fear I can never erase what made me lose my best friend in the world. I have to live with that now, and it use to be so tough to face. I would spend everyday trying to think of a way to make things right, but I wasnt ever getting it right. But regardless of what happened or what will happen in the future, I owe this woman my life, and I would always do whatever it takes to keep her happy, and safe. She is still one in a million, and I love her. I just hope she sees something worth saving, and she forgives me for I have already forgiven her.