I want to but I shouldnt

I've been thinking alot lately about what all Bonnie has done to me, and how she is now. I really want to contact her, but I shouldnt. Its been 2 days now. Continuing anything with her is pretty pointless right now, she is what they call, bad peoples.

Summer and the terrible Two's.

Last night I talked on the phone for the first time with one of the girls I met through Myspace. I thought it would be a good idea to get my name and face out there before I got there so the transition would be easier. So far it seems to be working. Saturday I met Jon at the Two Tons of Steel show. He's a fellow hot rodder and a full on rockabilly lover. And last night I started talking to Summer like I mentioned above. I kinda invited myself over to her place because she seemed sweet on the phone, I was bored, and I didn't want to start my first day on the job without meeting at least one girl.
I threw on some clothes and heading out at about 10 pm. She lived about 15 minutes away and I'm pretty sure it was her parents house. I had to be quiet and head straight into her bedroom. Summer is 21, and another rockabilly type like Jon. In fact, she knows Jon and speaks quite highly of him. She's the typical type trying to look like Betty Page.
She said I could come over and watch Adult Swim with her which happens to be one of my favorite shows. I get to her house and into her room and she has a 2 year old. Her daughter Sible is precious, but that quickly turned as the night moved on. They don't call them the terrible two's for nothing. I was starting to feel uncomfortable because I'm 28 and I'm laying next to some girl I just met and I happen to be in the middle of this mother/daughter power struggle. Now before you think anything, we didn't do anything and nor did I think about it. I like girls and I like to feel affection, but I'm so fed up with dating that I'm not going to feel anything for another girl for a long time.
So through the evening her daughter would climb out of bed and make a fuss, and Summer would get up, turn off the cartoons as punishment and put her back to bed. Summer is a sweet patient girl and never got really mad with her daughter. She used the ole count to 3 technique quite well. Its just strange laying in someone's bed with no lights and then no TV while she gets up to punish her child. So I'm just laying there listening to this parental battle wondering if I should leave or offer help or laugh or what, and I cant see anything. It was so bizarre, and I just found myself uncomfortable and annoyed because I couldn't watch Adult Swim. So in essence I was feeling the same affects Cybil was feeling when Summer would turn the TV off.
After awhile Cybil started to pass out, and we did a little channel surfing. We came across Forrect Gump and we both decided that would be a good choice. Gump use to be my favorite movie and I hadn't seen it in so long. We didn't watch much of it before it was getting late and I needed to go, but I saw just enough to stir my emotions again. The movie has taken on a new meaning now since the divorce has happened. I understood more how Forrest must have felt; being in love with someone who loved him back but didnt want to show it. He spent the whole movie living his life, but loving her and wanting her through out everything. I knew now how he really felt, and I'm going to have to watch the whole thing again. Jenny was just like Bonnie. She was off living her crazy life, sleeping around and giving Forrest just enough to stay in love. She would randomly reappear throughout his life just like Bonnie probably would. At the end he finally had her, but it was too late because she was dying of AIDS. The only reason she came back to him was so he could care for his son she never told him about. I realized now that Forrest Gump was a really good man, and he got burnt by the woman he loved. If you look at it from a basic point of view, she used him and never gave him the respect and love he deserved. He was always there for her, and he loved her unconditionally. I knew now how he felt.

Dream Boots

So I've always wanted a pair of biker boots, and I've always known what they looked like. Flat black, with a flat front toe, and straps around chrome rings on the ankles. Its the classic biker boot that even Arnold wore in Terminator 2. So I was at a store with a large boot selection and I saw my boots. They were the only ones there, and they were my size exactly. It was a sign. In fact, if I had tried to leave without them the store probably would have stopped me and reminded me not to forget my boots.
So I bought them, and I love them. I told you I only buy clothes when they stand out and make a connection with me.

These emotions are killing me.

How are things my gorgeous? I guess about now I've been starting to realize what all I have done. I still wonder if leaving and signing over for you were the right things to do. I'm still scared about all of this. Its about now I realize what all I left, the friends and the fight for you. Its almost like I just gave up and I'm taking the easy way out now.

Youre one hell of an awesome broad you know that? I'm sorry if I've been so sexual lately. I really havent had any in so long, and I really had no intentions of making love to you. Of course it was a dream, but it never crossed my mind that whole day. It just happened. Anyways, since then its been on my mind so much. I have to say you came into my life with a bang and you left with one, youre like a shooting star I swear. You captivated this ole guy when I walked into your life, and you still captivate me now after you've left.
I'm not gonna lie to you Jill. I miss you so fucking much my dear. I never wanted to say yes to that judge, but I knew it was what you wanted.
I really dont know if you've seriously moved on to someone, I dont care. I dont know what you think or if you cry over any of this. But if you see anything out of this or me, see that my love never faultered for you, never. I tried all I could to make things right, and to show perfect love for you. So if you are ever looking for that in your life again, you know where to find it. I know you are embarassed of what happened, and you dont want people to know we still talk, its why you hide your myspace profiles.
When you said those three words to me, you made everything ok. You made the whole struggle worth fighting. I had waited a year to hear you say that to me. I don't care if you didnt mean it or not. Unfortunately, after so long of being lied to, I still find it hard to trust you or think your intentions are good.
I dont know, I guess I'm done ranting, I have to go back out now.

I don't know what to say

I had mentioned to Bonnie before about some pictures I found on my computer when I got it back from her. It's funny because she always thought it was a little strange to take naked pictures of her. So I thought it rather ironic that I found a whole folder full of naked pictures that she had apparently taken herself. She asked me once what the pictures were like because she didnt remember too well. I told her a little, and that I had deleted them all. I was lying, and under telling what I had found. When I originally found the pictures I was rather impressed and very horny. Bonnie has always had an incredible body, nobody has ever told her otherwise. And not only is she very photogenic, but she is very sexual; so any naked picture you take of her is going to be hot and erotic. She had more pictures of herself than pictures I had taken of her. There were numerous pictures of her in all sorts of hot outfits I had never been privileged to see her in. She had really expanded her thong collection that is for sure. She had lots of pictures from behind showing her amazing ass, full posing pictures, and most didnt show her face. I knew she was using them for ads she had placed. She had a lot more than ad pictures though. I had also found pictures of her completely spread, close up pictures, and pictures of her using a dildo. The real problem were some of the file names especially with the ones with a vibrator or her spread. Some that I recall said, "I wish it was you", "Not as big", "Remember this", "Your favorite", and "I told you". It was pretty obvious that these pictures were for someone she was sleeping with, or was going to sleep with.
I dont think Bonnie holds sex as sacred at all. I think she just feels its something to do, its not a big deal, sex is just sex. I dont think she holds any value over sex other than it can get you things. I dont think she would think twice if some guy turned her on and pressed all the right buttons.

Bonnie and my taste

I started putting some of my clothes in the closet just now. I'm staying in the guest room upstairs, and like most guest rooms it is furnitued with antiques. It has always been a classic spot to store your furniture too old and valuable to expose to the elements, pets, parties and etc. But still classy enough for a friend to use on a weekend stayover at your pad.
So I'm ripping open the white Glad bags that doubled as suitcases for the last three days when for the second time today, I am filled with remorse. I started to think about how my mother always tries to shop for clothing for me, but she never gets it right. I am a very picky clothing shopper, and it is better to just leave me to my own devices then try and buy clothing for me. I almost never go out intending to buy clothing for myself. It's only when I am not pressured into anything like if I'm joining a friend as he shops or something catches me as I walk by a store. Usually when I buy an article of clothing it holds some meaning for me. I would buy something during a special occasion, or something was given to me by someone who was special to me. I can probably tell you where all of my clothing came from and here is a sampler of not only my memory, but what I like to carry as far as fashion. These are in no particular order, just what comes to mind.
I am currently wearing a bright green shirt that says Bollocks in white, with a shamrock as one of the "o"s. It was a gift from Bonnie's sister when she returned from Ireland. The jeans I bought at K's for cheap. I was shopping with Jessica, a girl I worked with shortly at a hotel, when she showed them to me. They are a 34X34 which is generally too large in the waist for me, but with a belt I manage. They were pretty cheap and fairly attractive so I went with them. Just don't dare me to wear them with no belt or underwear. The shoes are classic black Chuck Taylor's with a twist, red stitching. A couple times a year I like to refurbish my shoe collection with a fresh pair of Cons since they are so easy to blemish. I really enjoy the feel of Chuck T's, and they seem to fit just about any occasion. Wearing them really says a lot about a person, and in this case, shoes really do make a person. These black with red "piping" are by far the best pair, taste wise, that I have owned to date. This was the first time in my life I took extra effort not to wear them when working. I just wish they were a size larger because they are a little tight, but it was the only size close to mine and I had to have them.
While loading my clothing collection into my mother's antique wardrobe closet I was reminded of how my taste in fashion had shifted. I use to be so youth, carefree and happy with Bonnie and my clothing reflected that life time. But now gone are the orange shirts, purple pants and red shoes, and in there place greys, blacks, jeans and slacks. I have a simple and refined taste. I dont like loud shirts with fancy designs and I hate clothing that advertises itself like A&F. I prefer form fitting clothing like tight t-shirts. I am already self conscience enough about my thin frame, and wearing baggy over-sized shirts does not help the situation one bit. The mistake most people make in shopping for clothes for me is getting things too big. They assume because I am so tall that I will wear a large or even extra large, and it drives me insane. I like a sophisticated look, clean and sharp, but with an independent zest and playful demeanor. I call it Office Punk, and it's my thing. It use to sway toward the pop punk side, but now has drastically turned to the office prep side. My favorite store you might ask, Banana Republic. They cater to my taste and my body type, so Clyde is pleased.
My mom loves me a lot and she is always buying me things. Things I dont like or dont need. She travels all over the world and likes to collect trinkets to hold onto, but she always brings things back for me that I don't want. I appreciate the gesture and its just how she is, but I'm a simplest and I don't see a need for things like that in my life. The way I see it, it's just one more thing to pack or break or lose.
As I thought about all of this while unpacking, I realized that only one person in my life has ever gotten my taste right. Bonnie always knew what I wanted. She never missed a beat when getting me any kind of gift. Her taste in fashion never faulted. It never was the gift that got me, it was that someone finally decided to spend the time to know what I like. I am a complicated person so to do that takes a lot of effort. She was beautiful at that, and I loved that she knew me that well. To this day some of my priced clothing possesions are pieces she got for me. My favorite jeans that fit me so perfectly are from her, as well as my signature belt, a skull and feathered wings strapped to a black leather belt with red stars.
Its so sad now to get a gift from her because not only are they small because she can't afford much, but they don't connect with me like they use to. She doesn't know me anymore, and so the gifts don't hold much bearing with me. They are still very much priced, but only because they are reminders of her fleeting moments when she would try and show some care toward me. I hardly have anything shared with Bonnie now. I have no clue what she has done over the past almost 2 years. I only have a few hours of memories with her, and a few trickets she threw my way. What she doesnt realize is how important she was to me. If someone had offered me a million dollars for the belt buckle, or the jeans, or the black stuffed cat or anything she got me I would turn them down. I couldn't get anything out of Bonnie after she left. It was like squeezing a rock for water when trapped in the middle of the desert. So any small thing she gave me, or any time I got to spend with her, I capitalized the best I could. I can vividly remember every aspect of the memories I have with her because they are priceless to me, and nobody can ever take them from me.

The End

I think I'm going to let this blog go. It never really turned into what I wanted, and the whole divorce didnt go like I thought it would. I think the whole thing showed Bonnie what she was missing, and she started to get all soft on me. Maybe if she had stopped being so selfish for once and listened to what I was saying for the past year, we wouldnt have ended our relationship in a cold court room. I remember once when she defended Eddy's honor by proclaiming, "He's nothing like you!" You're right Bonnie, he isn't, and it looks like you chose the right guy. I really don't have any room in my life for an ex that wants to appreciate me now that I'm leaving her for good, or who wants to be closer to me now that I'm single. I think having any relationship with Bonnie at this point is just too much of a tease. Who am I kidding anyways? The girl is actively looking for dates and she dates half her younger staff anyways or dreams about sleeping with them, guy or girl. She also has a highly sexual sense of humor and its practically all she jokes about, and yet I'm not suppose to bring it up.
So what is a guy suppose to do when he's trying to live his life and find someone special at the same time, but his ex-wife wants him to move to Chicago to be by her so she can tease him?
Move on and hope he finds a girl that doesnt cheat, have emotional issues, and appreciates everything about him like the rest of his friends have done.