What would you have chosen?

There are basically just 2 emotions I can walk away with when talking about my final farewells with Bonnie. Bitter and Sad. I'm not saying I'm depressed and I feel this all day long, its just the only 2 emotions one can walk away with in a time like this. Had I been an asshole or Bonnie been a bitch we'd always be bitter and mad and pissed at each other, or felt like we didnt do enough harm to the other. So, bitter.
The other option was to end it appropriately, with love and compassion and trust. But even dealing with it the right way made things so tough and emotional, and we walked away sad because we knew what we were giving up. And here in lies the problem.
I am sad at what happened and I miss her so much more now that I know things could have been possible or could be in the future. I've told people before that it would have been much easier if she had just cheated, cursed me out, took my car, wrote me off and mailed me divorce paperwork from her boyfriend's house. That is what most people deal with in a divorce. I would have gotten over her faster, probably would have left sooner, and I would never regret letting her move on.
I guess its the lesser of the two evils. I guess I'm just happy she felts all the things I thought she did. Everyone told me she is a loser, and to move on, and there is no changing someone or making them feel something, and that you cant fix things or forget. I was really worried about Bonnie for sometime, and I really thought she had a personality disorder because she fits all the traits including a troubled relationship with her dad. I really had no way of knowing what she was really feeling or thinking about me, or if she even did either about me anymore. She was so secretive about her life and I was completely shut out. Occasionally I would get something right or something in Chicago would make her rethink things, and then we'd start moving in the right direction again. But then she would clam up again and get so abusive. She called me a douchebag once and that hurt me so much. I know its a funny word and goofy white people call their friends and coworkers that all the time, but it was how she said it. I can still remember how it sounded. It was so abusive and foul and mean and I truly felt that she meant it. She then followed it up with how her life was ruined because of me, and that she wishes she never met me. If it wasnt this treatment, she would just ignore me.
While all of this was going on, I knew I had to get out of Peoria sometime. It wasn't doing me any good staying there, and I wasn't looking very good to a city girl. I knew I could put my life on hold for sometime and buy Bonnie time, but I always knew I wouldnt stay for more than a year. I then had the decision of when and what to tell Bonnie. I knew if I told her, she would again become interested because it meant she could lose me. But in telling her, it would risk her shutting down completely because who wants to date someone who is leaving?
I still havent told her where I am going, but I gave her about 6 weeks notice. It immediately starting working because I still had my birthday and her surgeries caring momentum in my favor. My birthday, early November, was an ice breaker for us and it allowed her to open up some. She told me she had a gift for me and wanted to deliver it in person. From my birthday came a request from me to her to get a breast exam because she has never had one and commented on feeling a lump. I asked her how long it was there and she replied a year. So the entire month of November was shot because she was having appointments and surgeries. It was during this time frame that she opened up a lot. The drugs made her defenses weak, and she would spend so much time calling me and talking to me, and crying frequently. All I could do was be there for her, and I only wish I could have been there physically for her. I had been through plenty of procedures, and I knew what she was having done was nothing major. But Bonnie was scared. I realized that she had hardly any medical experience, and had never had a surgery. Bonnie is a tough ole bird, but I knew she was worried. She carries it well, always has, but if you know her, and only a few do, you know when she is hurt. Her mom can probably read her, but her mom knew nothing about what I knew. Annie might know her from when they were younger, but they hardly see each other anymore and because of that their relationship is strained. I'm fairly certain I know Bonnie better than anyone else on this planet. Bonnie is not like any other girl or person. I almost use to laugh when people would give me advice about what to do. They tell me their stories of divorce, or what happened to them. Everyone thought I was getting screwed over. But Bonnie is not like any other girl, and I knew she loved me so I still trusted her. I couldnt trust that she would be honest about what she did, but I knew I could trust that she would never screw me over. And I was right. I was right about everything about Bonnie, and nobody else was. Her own parents would tell me she is a compulsive liar and always has been and I can never trust her. They would say she is trash, they didnt raise her that way, and that I should take everything from her and let her fall to the bottom so she'll come crawling back to them. I hated that her own parents would sell her out like that. I hated that they didnt go up there and rescue her. To make things worse, by the end, they started lying to me and breaking promises. I knew my parents wouldnt do that, and they didnt.
Through all of this I have learned how loving my mother really is. No matter what I brought to my mom about what I was dealing with, she never once said one bad thing about Bonnie, never. Bonnie may never believe that, but its true. My mom agreed I was right, and sometimes suggested just leaving Bonnie, but it was never negative. She always said that she felt so bad for Bonnie, and she thought she should go talk to a professional to figure out her problems. She always said that she would love her and always accept her back if she came back to me. My mom just wanted both of us to be happy, and she was very worried about me. She had some valid points though about Bonnie that I can't forget. She use to remind me that real friends wouldnt do to me what Bonnie did.
I had to stick to my guns about my gut feeling for Bonnie though. If she said something mean, I know she didn't mean it. If she broke or lost something of mine, I knew it wasnt on purpose. If she said she had no feelings for me and there was no love, I knew she was hiding it. I knew in my heart that there was no way she would ever do anything to intentionally hurt me, and there was no way she didn't love me. What I've felt with Bonnie in the past is pure love, just happy young love. It was perfect love, I know it. I really feel that she is my soulmate. I've even looked up our zodiac compatibility. The horoscopes usually call us a very strong fiery bond, but that can sometimes be too hot to be held. Sometimes a Leo/Scorpio bond is too volatile because the bonds and emotions are too strong. And I can see how that can be true in this case. I do enjoy reading the parts about the sex life though because it claims that Leo/Scorpio is the best match sexually. I like the part about her being a fire sign, I'm a water sign and together we make an intense turbine that generates more steam than anything else. I can definetely see that.
If she had really let herself go on Wendesday it would have been very passionate and intense. I think if someone would have entered the room hours after we left then would have sense something happened. I can understand what people mean when they talk about an energy in the room. The silent drama in her apartment was thick and deafening and very awkward. But as she moved closer to me each time it would feel better and better. When we started to make love she was still holding back very much and it was still awkward for me even touching her so it would have taken time to really get worked up. She stopped us before we really got worked up. I wanted to feel that intense love so bad. I wanted to feel her and know her. There have been times when making love to Bonnie that it really felt like we were translating something to each other and it was beautiful. It could make you dizzy and spellbound. She felt so amazing, every part of her. She smelled amazing, felt incredible and moved so perfectly. I wanted to look in her eyes and read them. And of course kiss her.