Well it seems that my melodramatic g'bye will be followed by another try at letting go tomorrow. We both forgot some things, so we are meeting half way somewhere on the 55 for lunch and more trading.
I hate this. I know letting her go and moving on is the right thing, but some part of it still seems so wrong and of course scary. I have no idea what is in store for each of us, and I'm going to miss, so much, seeing her experience life. Even if I someday run into her in the future, I'll feel like I missed so much.
Sometimes I get so bitter because fate didn't deal us a chance in the world. We endured so much stress for so long. If we had just held together for just a little longer we may have, no, I know we would have made it. Something was always coming up that would put a strain of our fragile relationship.
Today when fixing her computer I found a file called Annie'sAdvice. It was created in Feb. of 2004, almost 2 years ago. Months before she moved to Tennessee to help her parents. Bonnie was seeking release long before I even thought. She was probing the waters, collecting her data, and weighing all the options before I ever had a chance.
I worked 60 hours a week, and she worked just as hard at 2 waitressing jobs. We had crossed schedules, and neither of us were in school and we hardly had money. And we had no family structure to help nurture us. It was completely us against the world. A phrase that once united us in the virginity of our relationship became the unraveling of our strained love. How were we ever to stand a chance?
I may always have these thoughts haunting me when I think about what we had.
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