I want to but I shouldnt

I've been thinking alot lately about what all Bonnie has done to me, and how she is now. I really want to contact her, but I shouldnt. Its been 2 days now. Continuing anything with her is pretty pointless right now, she is what they call, bad peoples.

Summer and the terrible Two's.

Last night I talked on the phone for the first time with one of the girls I met through Myspace. I thought it would be a good idea to get my name and face out there before I got there so the transition would be easier. So far it seems to be working. Saturday I met Jon at the Two Tons of Steel show. He's a fellow hot rodder and a full on rockabilly lover. And last night I started talking to Summer like I mentioned above. I kinda invited myself over to her place because she seemed sweet on the phone, I was bored, and I didn't want to start my first day on the job without meeting at least one girl.
I threw on some clothes and heading out at about 10 pm. She lived about 15 minutes away and I'm pretty sure it was her parents house. I had to be quiet and head straight into her bedroom. Summer is 21, and another rockabilly type like Jon. In fact, she knows Jon and speaks quite highly of him. She's the typical type trying to look like Betty Page.
She said I could come over and watch Adult Swim with her which happens to be one of my favorite shows. I get to her house and into her room and she has a 2 year old. Her daughter Sible is precious, but that quickly turned as the night moved on. They don't call them the terrible two's for nothing. I was starting to feel uncomfortable because I'm 28 and I'm laying next to some girl I just met and I happen to be in the middle of this mother/daughter power struggle. Now before you think anything, we didn't do anything and nor did I think about it. I like girls and I like to feel affection, but I'm so fed up with dating that I'm not going to feel anything for another girl for a long time.
So through the evening her daughter would climb out of bed and make a fuss, and Summer would get up, turn off the cartoons as punishment and put her back to bed. Summer is a sweet patient girl and never got really mad with her daughter. She used the ole count to 3 technique quite well. Its just strange laying in someone's bed with no lights and then no TV while she gets up to punish her child. So I'm just laying there listening to this parental battle wondering if I should leave or offer help or laugh or what, and I cant see anything. It was so bizarre, and I just found myself uncomfortable and annoyed because I couldn't watch Adult Swim. So in essence I was feeling the same affects Cybil was feeling when Summer would turn the TV off.
After awhile Cybil started to pass out, and we did a little channel surfing. We came across Forrect Gump and we both decided that would be a good choice. Gump use to be my favorite movie and I hadn't seen it in so long. We didn't watch much of it before it was getting late and I needed to go, but I saw just enough to stir my emotions again. The movie has taken on a new meaning now since the divorce has happened. I understood more how Forrest must have felt; being in love with someone who loved him back but didnt want to show it. He spent the whole movie living his life, but loving her and wanting her through out everything. I knew now how he really felt, and I'm going to have to watch the whole thing again. Jenny was just like Bonnie. She was off living her crazy life, sleeping around and giving Forrest just enough to stay in love. She would randomly reappear throughout his life just like Bonnie probably would. At the end he finally had her, but it was too late because she was dying of AIDS. The only reason she came back to him was so he could care for his son she never told him about. I realized now that Forrest Gump was a really good man, and he got burnt by the woman he loved. If you look at it from a basic point of view, she used him and never gave him the respect and love he deserved. He was always there for her, and he loved her unconditionally. I knew now how he felt.

Dream Boots

So I've always wanted a pair of biker boots, and I've always known what they looked like. Flat black, with a flat front toe, and straps around chrome rings on the ankles. Its the classic biker boot that even Arnold wore in Terminator 2. So I was at a store with a large boot selection and I saw my boots. They were the only ones there, and they were my size exactly. It was a sign. In fact, if I had tried to leave without them the store probably would have stopped me and reminded me not to forget my boots.
So I bought them, and I love them. I told you I only buy clothes when they stand out and make a connection with me.

These emotions are killing me.

How are things my gorgeous? I guess about now I've been starting to realize what all I have done. I still wonder if leaving and signing over for you were the right things to do. I'm still scared about all of this. Its about now I realize what all I left, the friends and the fight for you. Its almost like I just gave up and I'm taking the easy way out now.

Youre one hell of an awesome broad you know that? I'm sorry if I've been so sexual lately. I really havent had any in so long, and I really had no intentions of making love to you. Of course it was a dream, but it never crossed my mind that whole day. It just happened. Anyways, since then its been on my mind so much. I have to say you came into my life with a bang and you left with one, youre like a shooting star I swear. You captivated this ole guy when I walked into your life, and you still captivate me now after you've left.
I'm not gonna lie to you Jill. I miss you so fucking much my dear. I never wanted to say yes to that judge, but I knew it was what you wanted.
I really dont know if you've seriously moved on to someone, I dont care. I dont know what you think or if you cry over any of this. But if you see anything out of this or me, see that my love never faultered for you, never. I tried all I could to make things right, and to show perfect love for you. So if you are ever looking for that in your life again, you know where to find it. I know you are embarassed of what happened, and you dont want people to know we still talk, its why you hide your myspace profiles.
When you said those three words to me, you made everything ok. You made the whole struggle worth fighting. I had waited a year to hear you say that to me. I don't care if you didnt mean it or not. Unfortunately, after so long of being lied to, I still find it hard to trust you or think your intentions are good.
I dont know, I guess I'm done ranting, I have to go back out now.

I don't know what to say

I had mentioned to Bonnie before about some pictures I found on my computer when I got it back from her. It's funny because she always thought it was a little strange to take naked pictures of her. So I thought it rather ironic that I found a whole folder full of naked pictures that she had apparently taken herself. She asked me once what the pictures were like because she didnt remember too well. I told her a little, and that I had deleted them all. I was lying, and under telling what I had found. When I originally found the pictures I was rather impressed and very horny. Bonnie has always had an incredible body, nobody has ever told her otherwise. And not only is she very photogenic, but she is very sexual; so any naked picture you take of her is going to be hot and erotic. She had more pictures of herself than pictures I had taken of her. There were numerous pictures of her in all sorts of hot outfits I had never been privileged to see her in. She had really expanded her thong collection that is for sure. She had lots of pictures from behind showing her amazing ass, full posing pictures, and most didnt show her face. I knew she was using them for ads she had placed. She had a lot more than ad pictures though. I had also found pictures of her completely spread, close up pictures, and pictures of her using a dildo. The real problem were some of the file names especially with the ones with a vibrator or her spread. Some that I recall said, "I wish it was you", "Not as big", "Remember this", "Your favorite", and "I told you". It was pretty obvious that these pictures were for someone she was sleeping with, or was going to sleep with.
I dont think Bonnie holds sex as sacred at all. I think she just feels its something to do, its not a big deal, sex is just sex. I dont think she holds any value over sex other than it can get you things. I dont think she would think twice if some guy turned her on and pressed all the right buttons.

Bonnie and my taste

I started putting some of my clothes in the closet just now. I'm staying in the guest room upstairs, and like most guest rooms it is furnitued with antiques. It has always been a classic spot to store your furniture too old and valuable to expose to the elements, pets, parties and etc. But still classy enough for a friend to use on a weekend stayover at your pad.
So I'm ripping open the white Glad bags that doubled as suitcases for the last three days when for the second time today, I am filled with remorse. I started to think about how my mother always tries to shop for clothing for me, but she never gets it right. I am a very picky clothing shopper, and it is better to just leave me to my own devices then try and buy clothing for me. I almost never go out intending to buy clothing for myself. It's only when I am not pressured into anything like if I'm joining a friend as he shops or something catches me as I walk by a store. Usually when I buy an article of clothing it holds some meaning for me. I would buy something during a special occasion, or something was given to me by someone who was special to me. I can probably tell you where all of my clothing came from and here is a sampler of not only my memory, but what I like to carry as far as fashion. These are in no particular order, just what comes to mind.
I am currently wearing a bright green shirt that says Bollocks in white, with a shamrock as one of the "o"s. It was a gift from Bonnie's sister when she returned from Ireland. The jeans I bought at K's for cheap. I was shopping with Jessica, a girl I worked with shortly at a hotel, when she showed them to me. They are a 34X34 which is generally too large in the waist for me, but with a belt I manage. They were pretty cheap and fairly attractive so I went with them. Just don't dare me to wear them with no belt or underwear. The shoes are classic black Chuck Taylor's with a twist, red stitching. A couple times a year I like to refurbish my shoe collection with a fresh pair of Cons since they are so easy to blemish. I really enjoy the feel of Chuck T's, and they seem to fit just about any occasion. Wearing them really says a lot about a person, and in this case, shoes really do make a person. These black with red "piping" are by far the best pair, taste wise, that I have owned to date. This was the first time in my life I took extra effort not to wear them when working. I just wish they were a size larger because they are a little tight, but it was the only size close to mine and I had to have them.
While loading my clothing collection into my mother's antique wardrobe closet I was reminded of how my taste in fashion had shifted. I use to be so youth, carefree and happy with Bonnie and my clothing reflected that life time. But now gone are the orange shirts, purple pants and red shoes, and in there place greys, blacks, jeans and slacks. I have a simple and refined taste. I dont like loud shirts with fancy designs and I hate clothing that advertises itself like A&F. I prefer form fitting clothing like tight t-shirts. I am already self conscience enough about my thin frame, and wearing baggy over-sized shirts does not help the situation one bit. The mistake most people make in shopping for clothes for me is getting things too big. They assume because I am so tall that I will wear a large or even extra large, and it drives me insane. I like a sophisticated look, clean and sharp, but with an independent zest and playful demeanor. I call it Office Punk, and it's my thing. It use to sway toward the pop punk side, but now has drastically turned to the office prep side. My favorite store you might ask, Banana Republic. They cater to my taste and my body type, so Clyde is pleased.
My mom loves me a lot and she is always buying me things. Things I dont like or dont need. She travels all over the world and likes to collect trinkets to hold onto, but she always brings things back for me that I don't want. I appreciate the gesture and its just how she is, but I'm a simplest and I don't see a need for things like that in my life. The way I see it, it's just one more thing to pack or break or lose.
As I thought about all of this while unpacking, I realized that only one person in my life has ever gotten my taste right. Bonnie always knew what I wanted. She never missed a beat when getting me any kind of gift. Her taste in fashion never faulted. It never was the gift that got me, it was that someone finally decided to spend the time to know what I like. I am a complicated person so to do that takes a lot of effort. She was beautiful at that, and I loved that she knew me that well. To this day some of my priced clothing possesions are pieces she got for me. My favorite jeans that fit me so perfectly are from her, as well as my signature belt, a skull and feathered wings strapped to a black leather belt with red stars.
Its so sad now to get a gift from her because not only are they small because she can't afford much, but they don't connect with me like they use to. She doesn't know me anymore, and so the gifts don't hold much bearing with me. They are still very much priced, but only because they are reminders of her fleeting moments when she would try and show some care toward me. I hardly have anything shared with Bonnie now. I have no clue what she has done over the past almost 2 years. I only have a few hours of memories with her, and a few trickets she threw my way. What she doesnt realize is how important she was to me. If someone had offered me a million dollars for the belt buckle, or the jeans, or the black stuffed cat or anything she got me I would turn them down. I couldn't get anything out of Bonnie after she left. It was like squeezing a rock for water when trapped in the middle of the desert. So any small thing she gave me, or any time I got to spend with her, I capitalized the best I could. I can vividly remember every aspect of the memories I have with her because they are priceless to me, and nobody can ever take them from me.

The End

I think I'm going to let this blog go. It never really turned into what I wanted, and the whole divorce didnt go like I thought it would. I think the whole thing showed Bonnie what she was missing, and she started to get all soft on me. Maybe if she had stopped being so selfish for once and listened to what I was saying for the past year, we wouldnt have ended our relationship in a cold court room. I remember once when she defended Eddy's honor by proclaiming, "He's nothing like you!" You're right Bonnie, he isn't, and it looks like you chose the right guy. I really don't have any room in my life for an ex that wants to appreciate me now that I'm leaving her for good, or who wants to be closer to me now that I'm single. I think having any relationship with Bonnie at this point is just too much of a tease. Who am I kidding anyways? The girl is actively looking for dates and she dates half her younger staff anyways or dreams about sleeping with them, guy or girl. She also has a highly sexual sense of humor and its practically all she jokes about, and yet I'm not suppose to bring it up.
So what is a guy suppose to do when he's trying to live his life and find someone special at the same time, but his ex-wife wants him to move to Chicago to be by her so she can tease him?
Move on and hope he finds a girl that doesnt cheat, have emotional issues, and appreciates everything about him like the rest of his friends have done.

Kinda close

You are wrong, you don't know how I feel. You don't know what I experienced over the last year and a half. I don't feel any different than the day I met you, and you aren't any difference from the girl I fell in love with. I wish you would stop denying things because you think it's easier for you. You can't tell me you arent ready to be with anyone, but then say you wish I was moving to Chicago. I don't know why you refuse to be with me, but you want to be with me. Moving to Chicago would have been the worst thing I could have done because you are still so immature and selfish. I gave you everything you ever wanted, including your divorce, and now you are sad I left. You are very unhealthy for every person around you. You should let me go because that is what a divorce is for. Its not suppose to bring us closer together. I gave you all the time in the world to see who I am and what I've become, but you didnt believe that I had changed. Now you've seen that I wasn't lying, and I've become something you want a part of, but its probably too late. You should have trusted me because all I was trying to do was trust you. G'bye Bonnie

Well He's Gone

He's gone. I don't know where. I know nothing about the person I've spent so long with and so long hiding from. I know how he must of felt. I can only hope he's moved to Chicago.

What would you have chosen?

There are basically just 2 emotions I can walk away with when talking about my final farewells with Bonnie. Bitter and Sad. I'm not saying I'm depressed and I feel this all day long, its just the only 2 emotions one can walk away with in a time like this. Had I been an asshole or Bonnie been a bitch we'd always be bitter and mad and pissed at each other, or felt like we didnt do enough harm to the other. So, bitter.
The other option was to end it appropriately, with love and compassion and trust. But even dealing with it the right way made things so tough and emotional, and we walked away sad because we knew what we were giving up. And here in lies the problem.
I am sad at what happened and I miss her so much more now that I know things could have been possible or could be in the future. I've told people before that it would have been much easier if she had just cheated, cursed me out, took my car, wrote me off and mailed me divorce paperwork from her boyfriend's house. That is what most people deal with in a divorce. I would have gotten over her faster, probably would have left sooner, and I would never regret letting her move on.
I guess its the lesser of the two evils. I guess I'm just happy she felts all the things I thought she did. Everyone told me she is a loser, and to move on, and there is no changing someone or making them feel something, and that you cant fix things or forget. I was really worried about Bonnie for sometime, and I really thought she had a personality disorder because she fits all the traits including a troubled relationship with her dad. I really had no way of knowing what she was really feeling or thinking about me, or if she even did either about me anymore. She was so secretive about her life and I was completely shut out. Occasionally I would get something right or something in Chicago would make her rethink things, and then we'd start moving in the right direction again. But then she would clam up again and get so abusive. She called me a douchebag once and that hurt me so much. I know its a funny word and goofy white people call their friends and coworkers that all the time, but it was how she said it. I can still remember how it sounded. It was so abusive and foul and mean and I truly felt that she meant it. She then followed it up with how her life was ruined because of me, and that she wishes she never met me. If it wasnt this treatment, she would just ignore me.
While all of this was going on, I knew I had to get out of Peoria sometime. It wasn't doing me any good staying there, and I wasn't looking very good to a city girl. I knew I could put my life on hold for sometime and buy Bonnie time, but I always knew I wouldnt stay for more than a year. I then had the decision of when and what to tell Bonnie. I knew if I told her, she would again become interested because it meant she could lose me. But in telling her, it would risk her shutting down completely because who wants to date someone who is leaving?
I still havent told her where I am going, but I gave her about 6 weeks notice. It immediately starting working because I still had my birthday and her surgeries caring momentum in my favor. My birthday, early November, was an ice breaker for us and it allowed her to open up some. She told me she had a gift for me and wanted to deliver it in person. From my birthday came a request from me to her to get a breast exam because she has never had one and commented on feeling a lump. I asked her how long it was there and she replied a year. So the entire month of November was shot because she was having appointments and surgeries. It was during this time frame that she opened up a lot. The drugs made her defenses weak, and she would spend so much time calling me and talking to me, and crying frequently. All I could do was be there for her, and I only wish I could have been there physically for her. I had been through plenty of procedures, and I knew what she was having done was nothing major. But Bonnie was scared. I realized that she had hardly any medical experience, and had never had a surgery. Bonnie is a tough ole bird, but I knew she was worried. She carries it well, always has, but if you know her, and only a few do, you know when she is hurt. Her mom can probably read her, but her mom knew nothing about what I knew. Annie might know her from when they were younger, but they hardly see each other anymore and because of that their relationship is strained. I'm fairly certain I know Bonnie better than anyone else on this planet. Bonnie is not like any other girl or person. I almost use to laugh when people would give me advice about what to do. They tell me their stories of divorce, or what happened to them. Everyone thought I was getting screwed over. But Bonnie is not like any other girl, and I knew she loved me so I still trusted her. I couldnt trust that she would be honest about what she did, but I knew I could trust that she would never screw me over. And I was right. I was right about everything about Bonnie, and nobody else was. Her own parents would tell me she is a compulsive liar and always has been and I can never trust her. They would say she is trash, they didnt raise her that way, and that I should take everything from her and let her fall to the bottom so she'll come crawling back to them. I hated that her own parents would sell her out like that. I hated that they didnt go up there and rescue her. To make things worse, by the end, they started lying to me and breaking promises. I knew my parents wouldnt do that, and they didnt.
Through all of this I have learned how loving my mother really is. No matter what I brought to my mom about what I was dealing with, she never once said one bad thing about Bonnie, never. Bonnie may never believe that, but its true. My mom agreed I was right, and sometimes suggested just leaving Bonnie, but it was never negative. She always said that she felt so bad for Bonnie, and she thought she should go talk to a professional to figure out her problems. She always said that she would love her and always accept her back if she came back to me. My mom just wanted both of us to be happy, and she was very worried about me. She had some valid points though about Bonnie that I can't forget. She use to remind me that real friends wouldnt do to me what Bonnie did.
I had to stick to my guns about my gut feeling for Bonnie though. If she said something mean, I know she didn't mean it. If she broke or lost something of mine, I knew it wasnt on purpose. If she said she had no feelings for me and there was no love, I knew she was hiding it. I knew in my heart that there was no way she would ever do anything to intentionally hurt me, and there was no way she didn't love me. What I've felt with Bonnie in the past is pure love, just happy young love. It was perfect love, I know it. I really feel that she is my soulmate. I've even looked up our zodiac compatibility. The horoscopes usually call us a very strong fiery bond, but that can sometimes be too hot to be held. Sometimes a Leo/Scorpio bond is too volatile because the bonds and emotions are too strong. And I can see how that can be true in this case. I do enjoy reading the parts about the sex life though because it claims that Leo/Scorpio is the best match sexually. I like the part about her being a fire sign, I'm a water sign and together we make an intense turbine that generates more steam than anything else. I can definetely see that.
If she had really let herself go on Wendesday it would have been very passionate and intense. I think if someone would have entered the room hours after we left then would have sense something happened. I can understand what people mean when they talk about an energy in the room. The silent drama in her apartment was thick and deafening and very awkward. But as she moved closer to me each time it would feel better and better. When we started to make love she was still holding back very much and it was still awkward for me even touching her so it would have taken time to really get worked up. She stopped us before we really got worked up. I wanted to feel that intense love so bad. I wanted to feel her and know her. There have been times when making love to Bonnie that it really felt like we were translating something to each other and it was beautiful. It could make you dizzy and spellbound. She felt so amazing, every part of her. She smelled amazing, felt incredible and moved so perfectly. I wanted to look in her eyes and read them. And of course kiss her.

So what

Does it really matter what each of you are into? I mean this girl doesnt seem much different than the girl I fell in love with. She still captivates me, and we still share that sarcastic wit that would make us both laugh. The attraction is through the roof, and we all know that. There is just a weird bond between us that I can't describe. The rest is kinda meaningless really. I dont care where or what she does, and I'd love to hang out with her friends and have drinks too. I'm comfortable either sitting at home or going out. I'm about a 50/50 mix. Though I'd prefer the company of others over sitting at home alone any day. All I know is that she is still Bonnie and I still love everything about her.

Back from the night

I was out at Chilis, then the Saloon, and then Stone Country. It was the whole group. I had a great time, and was getting vibe from so many girls. I probably would bother with a girl if she enticed me at all like you do. So I'm home now, and I watched the video where you said bye. Its the last few frames that get me. You look at me, blow me a kiss, and then look away as you turn out of the camera. But right before you clear the screen, you take a double take. You look right into me, and your eyes are so sad. Its a complete contrast to the happy eyes when you said your bye in the tape.
I wish I could make love to you right now. I love tugging on you, squeezing my hands on parts of your body like your thighs or your back or your ass. Its something about the way you let me pull you close, and then you curl your arms up into your chest and press your cold body against mine for protection or warmth. You feel right in my arms. I can literally still feel how soft and warm your skin feels like when your cheeks slide across mine as we meet to kiss.
Thats enough I think. Good night

I have to break the ice here.

I dont want this blog to be all love letter, and I dont want people to read this and get all depressed so I need to lighten things up some. I was thinking about how funny it was when Bonnie was describing her vibrators. It sounds like its a 6 inch bullet, and it sounds like its working for her. When she said it wasnt that big and that it did the job I asked, "So size never mattered huh?" She said nope. I remember thinking, "Wait a second, how would she even know that unless..."

So that was it.

First, I reread the last post and it didnt come out like I thought I wrote it. It sounds pretty jerky really, and it wasnt meant to be that way at all. When I wrote it I was giving her a hard time about her "date".
In any case; the day went as I had hoped. To be honest I'm a little burnt out on feelings right now, and I really dont think I can write this last meeting. I really couldnt do it justice. Whatever I write right now is a rough draft, and I'll have to come back to this story another day.
The setting was perfect with the cafe and the small jaunt to the flower shop. I had intended she pick out a single flower and keep it forever, but she spotted some country humor wooden painted signs. One was perfect for her, and well the other she felt fitting for me. It is funny, and I will always cherish it because its her humor, but I feel too ashamed to hang it because I dont feel that way about her. It says, "I'm not with stupid anymore".
My favorite part was when we walked up to the second floor to see what else they had. The lit Christmas trees could not have created a more romantic setting. I was hoping nobody would be up there as I day dreamt about taking her right there. Those jeans she has make her legs and ass look amazing. Well, they dont need any help to do that, but the jeans sure added to the effect.
Its her subtle touches and looks she gives me that really gets me going. I really dont need much affection or touch from her when she does those things. The eyes alone say enough, and convey enough emotion.
Its probably a good thing I am leaving now because if we had any more days like today or Wednesday, we'd be back together in some form probably.
I'm glad how we handled things, it was perfect. Its funny how much crap everyone gave me, how many people who knew her that spit on me and treated me like shit. I took so much abuse and negativity from so many people just because I wanted to love her. You know why its funny because this guy was granted the best divorce any guy could ever dream of. And most people go there whole lives never being in love, or being involved but never feeling real true love. Those people would have given anything to feel what I felt from her today and Wednesday. And it just reaffirms that I was right the whole time, and that it was worth fighting for.
You just dont know her like I do. Why did I even care about some other guy? Is she going to date, have sex, probably be loved? Yes. But will they ever get her like I do? No, and I'll always have that.
She told me some things I already knew, but it was nice hearing them from her. I really dont cry ever in my life, not even when I cut my foot off. But with her, I cant help it. I'll probably always cry when I remember having to let her hand go before closing the door to the Jeep.
As we parted ways, one down the 55S and one down 55N, we each honked 3 times. One honk for every word, just like one kiss for every word, or one hand squeeze for every word. I love you.

What does that mean?

Today I have to meet Bonnie one more time. How did I know she was out drinking last night. I'm sure she was celebrating. And having a date the same day as a divorce, nice. And an Indian guy. I've had to work for those people, and they are so cheap and horrible in bed. Whats worse, I got her all worked up, but she stopped us. I'm sure she is just as horny as I am, but I know I'm not going to get laid. I think its a different story for Bonnie. She loves being liked, and she loves being spoiled, and she loves sex, but she doesnt want a relationship. For any guy that is the perfect combination. A girl that just wants to hang out, drink, and get off occasionally. Isnt that what every guy is looking for?

One more thing and the cruise

You know, I really dont think Bonnie is really that different. I think she is just at a point where she is readjusting. I think she is the same, just less naive and less open to the world. She's learned alot about the world in a short amount of time, and it really did change her. It corrupted her.
The other day when I was with Bonnie we took my truck to the courthouse. I have an old chevy rat rod truck. Everybody tells me its me, and you know what, I really feel like me when I'm driving it. It always puts a smile on my face. I think its every hot rodders dream to soak up the sun, enjoy the day, and cruise in the car with your sweetheart ridin' shotgun. If that's heaven then I want to go now. She hopped right in the cab, and asked if it was ok to smoke. I said hell yeah, thinking about how many times I've blazed up in that truck. So here I was cruising down the main strip in my ole 65 chevy with my girl riding next to me, chatting and listening to the longest Green Day song ever, Jesus of Suburbia. So far that was the greatest cruise I've ever had, and I did feel like I was in heaven. I could see at one point that she was crying, but she looked so amazing when she rolled down the window and let her hair down. I almost felt like she belonged in that truck as much as I did. I just wish it wasnt on the drive to the courthouse to file for divorce. Someone summed up the whole cruise in one perfect word, bittersweet.

Another G'bye tomorrow

Well it seems that my melodramatic g'bye will be followed by another try at letting go tomorrow. We both forgot some things, so we are meeting half way somewhere on the 55 for lunch and more trading.
I hate this. I know letting her go and moving on is the right thing, but some part of it still seems so wrong and of course scary. I have no idea what is in store for each of us, and I'm going to miss, so much, seeing her experience life. Even if I someday run into her in the future, I'll feel like I missed so much.
Sometimes I get so bitter because fate didn't deal us a chance in the world. We endured so much stress for so long. If we had just held together for just a little longer we may have, no, I know we would have made it. Something was always coming up that would put a strain of our fragile relationship.
Today when fixing her computer I found a file called Annie'sAdvice. It was created in Feb. of 2004, almost 2 years ago. Months before she moved to Tennessee to help her parents. Bonnie was seeking release long before I even thought. She was probing the waters, collecting her data, and weighing all the options before I ever had a chance.
I worked 60 hours a week, and she worked just as hard at 2 waitressing jobs. We had crossed schedules, and neither of us were in school and we hardly had money. And we had no family structure to help nurture us. It was completely us against the world. A phrase that once united us in the virginity of our relationship became the unraveling of our strained love. How were we ever to stand a chance?
I may always have these thoughts haunting me when I think about what we had.

Day after the divorce.

Yesterday was the saddest, but most beautiful day of my life. I saw and heard things I've only dreamt of over the past year. It was a fast divorce and we were in and out of the court house in less than an hour. The judge was very nice. It was very hard to hear him ask Bonnie questions I knew she didnt feel right about answering. There was a hesitation in her voice as she cried and answered. The hardest to answer was when he asked if all efforts have been made to save the marriage. It was obvious I had tried, but Bonnie wasnt able to commit to that kind of effort. It wasn't because she didnt love me, its because she just cant. I had to agree to the same questions, and when he asked me if it was right to seperate, I stopped. Every inch of me wanted to say no, but its not what Bonnie wanted so I agreed. The divorce was final.
We left the court and decided to get a drink. We headed back to her grandma's to get her car, and then I finally got to see her apartment.
To be honest, it was great and she had really done a great job decorating it. I was just so sad because she did it all on her own and without me. The cats came right to me, and I missed them so much.
Instead of getting drinks, I brought with me the bottle of wine I bought Bonnie long ago. She quickly opened it, and I poored each of us a glass. We sat at the couches, and barely talked. Each time she would get up to do something, she would come back and sit closer until she was in my arms. Her body felt so perfect in my arms, and I was really starting to regret giving up the fight. I can hardly type now.
I cried so deep as I held her tightly. And she cried too. And then I kissed her, but she didnt stop me. I couldnt believe I was tasting my wife's lips after so long. I wanted to kiss every inch of her body. I wanted to rememorize every thing about her. Her skin was still so perfect, her hair still smelled the same, her kiss still so soft and sensual. Covered in tears and her own hair, she had a fleeting moment of passion and she kissed me, grabbing my head and pulling me towards her as she laid back on the couch, but then she stopped.
There is so much holding her back. I just wish I knew what it was. If I knew that I could have saved us I think. Who am I really kidding. I love this woman with all my heart, and there is no room for anyone else.
I dont remember why but she was laying on her bed, as I peeked through her doorway. I sat next to her when she motioned me to lay next to her. At first she spooned with me, and I felt her press her back and lower body against me. She had to have felt how hard I was. She rolled over and lifted both of our shirts so our warm skin could touch again. I still couldnt believe any of this was happening.
We started kissing again, and then I kissed her all over her neck and then her chest. I lifted her up and removed her shirt and her pink bra. I saw again the most perfect breasts I've ever seen in my life. Even with the scar, they were perfect. I saw the scar and kissed it. It didnt phase me at all. I kissed down her body and tugged at her pants. She wasnt stopping me, and I didnt want to stop. I wanted to make love to my wife regardless of what we were at that moment. I undid her pants and saw the red cotton panties she use to wear when she lived with me. She still looked so hot in a pair of panties.
I had nothing but my pants on and she had only her panties when she grabbed me in between her legs. God it felt so good to press myself against her through her panties. I begged to go down on her because I wanted to taste her and finger her. But she had other plans as she had me roll over onto my back. She straddled me without missing a beat and her box rubbed hard against me through my jeans. She was always so amazing at riding as she moved her hips around. She asked me if it was as good as I remember. I said I wouldnt know until I removed my jeans. When I did it wasnt very long before her panties were pulled to the side and I could feel her bare lips just barely wrapped around my head. She wanted to keep it there and I would have loved to hold it and rub it up and down through her lips and tease her entrance like I use to do. But in a few tries I was inside her. It was shortly after that, that she pulled off of me. I hadnt even been at full erection and I wasnt even in all the way when she stopped. Its funny because I had actually grown since she left. I was now at 7 last I checked and a little thicker, and I wanted her to feel all of it. I wanted to take her from every position until we both came, and we both cried. I wanted that to be a lasting beautiful memory, but she stopped. She said she felt bad for me, but it was the stopping that made me feel worse. Now I feel like she was guilty because she was dating someone, or I wasnt good enough, or she was testing to see if love was still there and when she didnt feel anything, she stopped. I think that is what happened, and she felt bad she didnt feel anything but I obviously did.
We got dressed and said our goodbyes because she was already late for work. Outside as we said our final goodbyes, she said the one thing I had been wanting to hear since she left, "I will always love you." Really, it was the last thing she ever said to me and it will ring in my ears and my heart till the day I die.